Fear, Sadness, Worry, Panic and LOVE

Many people have told me that I should start journaling my feelings during this difficult time. So, I am going to give it a try and see if it will help me.  I am not able to re-live the entire week, but I am going to just write what comes to my mind.
This has been the most difficult time of my life.  No parent should ever have to go through this.  I still feel like I am in a really bad dream and I am going to wake up and everything is fine.  Sweet baby Evan is one week old today and I can't believe everything we have been through in this week.  I can't believe I am sitting here in Little Rock and my perfect little baby boy is in the Cardiovascular ICU.  I am completely exhausted and depleted.  I am trying to get as much rest as I can, but it is almost impossible to rest when you know that your newborn child is very sick.  Every day is a rollercoaster of emotions.  It feels like for every piece of good news we get at least one piece of bad news.  Evan is a fighter and we have to believe in him, modern medicine and answered prayers.  The support from everybody has been overwhelming and it has been encouraging to us.  We need the prayers and support from everybody.  Evan was moved up to the CVICU on Saturday night after his heart function worsened and they had to intubate him to take some stress of his heart.  It sickens me to see him with all of the tubes, medicines and monitors.  I break down every time I walk into the room.  It is the hardest thing to see your child like that and not being able to hold him or help him.  I just feel helpless and that hurts very bad.  I am his mother and I should be able to hold him, protect him and make him feel better. I feel like I am not doing my job as a mom.  I know he is in good hands here at ACH.  The Doctors and Nurses have been wonderful.  I just wish they could figure out what is wrong with his little heart.  They have been able to rule out infections and viruses, but just don't know what is causing his little heart not to pump strong enough.  His heart is formed correctly, but the function is poor.  He looks so perfect on the outside.  How can he be so sick on the inside?  I am trying to be so strong, positive and optimistic! I know we have to be for him and for us, but it is very hard when you don't know what the outcome is going to be.  I do believe in miracles and we need one right now.  I know there are a lot of people praying for Evan and I am so thankful for that.  If you are reading this, please stop right now and say a little prayer for Evan.  Pray that he is strong enough to fight whatever he has and that the heart can heal on its own.  Pray that his heart function will improve over the next few days.  Pray that we will see small steps forward and no steps backwards.  Thank you!
He is sedated now, but does look peaceful.  It looks like he is resting comfortably.  I just want to hold him and kiss him.  I want to be able to take him and show him his room.  His big sister is so excited to play with him.  She has been doing OK through all of this, but it is extremely hard for us to keep a normal life for her.  She does give us strength and a few smiles here and there.  I don't know what I would do without her right now.  We are also so thankful that my mom, Scott's parents and Scott's sister Allison are down here with us right now.  I don't know what we would do without their support.  We have been able to take shifts and somebody has been with Evan 24/7, which gives me a little peace of mind.  I know we will not be able to keep this up all the time, but for right now it is very important to me.  The thought of him being by himself while he is so sick is unbearable.  I know he needs a lot of rest and needs to sleep, but it feels good knowing that somebody that loves him is sitting by his bedside.  We love him SO much and he needs to stay strong and fight this.  The next 7 days are critical and we need his heart function to improve.  I don't even want to think about what happens if it doesn't.
We want to thank everybody that has said a prayer for everybody and to all of our friends that have checked in with us, come down to visit us and have taken care of Hannah during all of this.
A week ago we thought we would be in the hospital for a few days due to his meconium aspiration during birth.  I thought the night of his birth when we were not able to hold him for the first 9 hours of his life was the longest night of my life.  Little did I know what else the week was going to bring for us.  We thought twice that we were going home.  He was a little jaundiced and we had to stay another night.  This turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because we were still in the hospital when his condition worsened.  He was moved from the nursery to the NICU, then airlifted to Little Rock NICU and now moved to the CVICU.  I keep thinking that it can't get any worse and I really really hope that the worst is behind us.  This has been a huge test for us.  Scott has been my rock and I am so proud of him.  I know he is feeling the same way I do, but he has been so strong for me and Hannah.  I love you!  Dear Evan, please know that we love you with all of our being.  You are the sweetest little boy.

Please say another prayer for him right now.  We need him to get better soon!

Here is a picture of the sweet little face you are praying for before he got sick