Tuesday, June 4, 2013


I have been struggling again with processing everything we went through with Evan.  It seems like I go through phases.  For a while I was very relaxed,  just enjoyed my baby boy and had put the bad things behind me, and it felt like it was all just a bad dream or never happened.   Recently I have been really anxious again.  I am replaying everything in my head several times a day and it is just painful.  I replay the day he was flown to Little Rock and the Saturday night when he was at his worst and it is very hard on me.   I stare at my little boy all the time and thank the Lord that he is here with us today.  I have also been looking at my blog posts from January, read old texts, messages and emails from our time in the hospital.  I am not sure why I do that, it brings back so many emotions.  It is almost like I don't want to allow myself to forget (not that I ever would) or move on.  It is all still a little too fresh. I know time will make things easier.  I struggle with believing that he is a healthy boy now. I worry so much that something is still wrong and that I am missing something.  I spoil him and hold him and carry him around a lot. We are working hard on the napping in his bed, but his favorite spot is still the Ergo and I am ok with that.  We are still making up for some lost time.  I feel like he (or maybe its me) just needs the closeness right now.  He needs to know that we are here.  This experience has changed me forever and my entire outlook on life.  It has made me realize how fragile life is and how we just need to enjoy every day and not sweat the small stuff.  I find myself stressing over something and then I look at Evan and I am always reminded that it is not worth it.  I count my blessings every day and don't take anything for granted anymore.

Mr Evan is a very special and loved little boy.  He brings a lot of joy to our family. Hard to believe this is the same baby.
His smiles just melt my heart and make me very happy.


  1. i'm so sorry you have had a rough time lately. i know it all must still seem so surreal and hard to believe that he is truly healthy. i can't imagine how hard that must be!! i think you are doing an awesome job of soaking up all of the moments and not taking anything for granted!!! sweet evan is an awesome reminder of how fragile life is and that miracles really do happen!!

    1. Thank you Jenny. I know he is a little miracle and I believe God has big plans for him. I know it will take time, but it is just so hard sometimes. I think the longer we go in between doctors appointments also makes it harder on me....even though it is a good sign that they don't want to see him that often anymore.