Struggling

I have been struggling again with processing everything we went through with Evan.  It seems like I go through phases.  For a while I was very relaxed,  just enjoyed my baby boy and had put the bad things behind me, and it felt like it was all just a bad dream or never happened.   Recently I have been really anxious again.  I am replaying everything in my head several times a day and it is just painful.  I replay the day he was flown to Little Rock and the Saturday night when he was at his worst and it is very hard on me.   I stare at my little boy all the time and thank the Lord that he is here with us today.  I have also been looking at my blog posts from January, read old texts, messages and emails from our time in the hospital.  I am not sure why I do that, it brings back so many emotions.  It is almost like I don't want to allow myself to forget (not that I ever would) or move on.  It is all still a little too fresh. I know time will make things easier.  I struggle with believing that he is a healthy boy now. I worry so much that something is still wrong and that I am missing something.  I spoil him and hold him and carry him around a lot. We are working hard on the napping in his bed, but his favorite spot is still the Ergo and I am ok with that.  We are still making up for some lost time.  I feel like he (or maybe its me) just needs the closeness right now.  He needs to know that we are here.  This experience has changed me forever and my entire outlook on life.  It has made me realize how fragile life is and how we just need to enjoy every day and not sweat the small stuff.  I find myself stressing over something and then I look at Evan and I am always reminded that it is not worth it.  I count my blessings every day and don't take anything for granted anymore.

Mr Evan is a very special and loved little boy.  He brings a lot of joy to our family. Hard to believe this is the same baby.

His smiles just melt my heart and make me very happy.